I saw a sign: Free North Korean Refugees in China. I don't understand this sign.
Switching from IE to Firefox made a difference with my PC. IE is increasingly becoming evil to me. I'm still a bit of a holdout though.
Really had to push myself today. This is a difference from where I was before, when I would have only wanted to wallow. I still consider sleeping away my problems. I know that won't work, but I consider it. I did manage to sand 10 blanks for magnets. Sanding takes sooo long because I do it by hand. But I put on some music and did it. I also typed up another piece I'd written, took some pictures of more destash stuff. (too much stuff) Today was somewhat productive.
Am currently watching The Complete Jane Austen on PBS. I'm getting a little love-storied out. It's not helping with my...situation. I need to watch Transformers. Haha.
Post Picture: Taken last fall. This was the final leaf on my neighbor's tree. Sometimes I feel like that leaf, clinging too hard, long after everyone else has let go, knowing I should...but very afraid to fall.
Wishes, really, just don't work for me. Still I try.
I wish, if upon buying those tickets, if they called my number, I'd get my wish. But that's a lot of ifs.
I wish I wasn't afraid. I wish I understood. I wish didn't care so much. I wish I wasn't so entangled. I wish I wasn't so conflicted. I wish I knew how to handle this like a normal girl. I wish I knew who to tell. I wish I knew where I stood. I wish this didn't take my breath away, make my head hurt, cause my stomach to flip, have my heart race. But that's a lot to wish.
So I linger here, between hither and yon, (No, I don't use 'yon' in normal speak. Archaic words get broken out when I write.) a little lost, off-balance, confused, prosing introspectively, a task I used to hate. Each day is a little new, but mostly the same. I get caught up, let down, smile knowingly, try to hide it. It's a fight everyday, for sanity, for guidance, for emotional equilibrium. And I long for peace, almost as much as I long...to see...
"Go with it," I hear. That's too vague a direction for analytical me, cautious me. I need more, crave more. Wish.
Post Picture: Courtesy of thecanster of Etsy. From her listing for Blue Wish Tickets
I found this through ThisNext I'm not sure how true it is of my blog, but...hehe. So I checked out the site where it came from, Despair,Inc., and loved so much of it. It's perfect for my inner sarcastic kid. I'm not that far removed from my teen years. :P
So that's lookin' like it'll be my post for the day. I may work on functions, as in math, with my mom later. She was a math major so she understands these things. I can teach myself a lot, but math is NOT one of them. (via hwilson)
I'm not very inspired in regards to a post. But I haven't written here in a few days. I check the blog everyday for comments and just to look at it. I really like it, now. But I just can't think of a coherent post topic. I have everything to say, but really it's best left unsaid. I think. So I talk to myself. I'm home pretty much all day so...*sigh*
Er, uh, hmm...sorry I just don't have anything. I've got random made up words running through my brain. 'Iggle' for example. Where they came from I have no idea. I want to watch American Idol but my dad has commandeered the one TV in the house. I'm the only AI fan, and I'm not even really a fan. Meh!
Post Picture: My hand, from my earlier fascination. I like it.
Today is Bro2's birthday. He's 15. Eep! The picture is my gift to him, a little bit of handmade goodness. I really like that paper. So colorful. I wanted to get a pic before he tore into it. Traditionally we open birthday gifts around dinnertime. It does tend to promote procrastination. :P
I used to read Funky Winkerbean rather rabidly. I cared, probably more than a sane person should, about the characters. Then the artist, Tom Batiuk (rhymes with attic) killed one of the main characters after she lost her battle with cancer. I wrote about that here, too. (Is that a sign of something seriously wrong?)
Anyway, now I just don't care. He then skipped ahead in time 10 years. Not sure how he's pulling that off because he was having current events impact the characters. Unless he's a real Journeyman he won't be able to do that anymore. Readers missed those 10 years and somehow I'm not feeling like he's doing anything to catch us up. It's just a little weak.
Another thing I'm getting past is all the reality/game show TV. I realize this is because of the writer's strike. But really, it's almost painful. Deal or No Deal is on 3 times a week now. Gah!
So I ought to resolve to make a change and use the time I used to spend filling up on TV on more productive things. But I, like most, am not good at following resolutions. I shall simply say I hope to do more and leave it at that.
I'd love to say I've been working on new things, but I haven't. I'd love to say I've photographed all these supplies I said I was going to list. But I haven't. I'd love to say I've finally found some sort of gainful employment, but as yet, neither I nor the temp agency I 'signed' with, has. I'm stuck sort of. I have things I want to do, but instead...I blog. And think. About how not to think. I'm peculiar.
Little bro's birthday is in 2 days essentially. I'm going to make his gift, part because I'm cheap and part because he asked for something. Of course, he deserves more...he's a great little brother. I just...yeah.
Inspired by Etsyan Lemonade's blog post on reading I trekked up to the library and got that book.
I had read all the other Left Behind book...well, not the preceding three. Anyway, I'm sorely disappointed with this one. Unbelievably disappointed. I'm going to finish it, because I don't like leaving books unfinished. But I-yai-yai! (spl?) I don't recommended. The fact that just as many customer reviews on Amazon gave it 2 stars as gave it 4 should tell you something.
I've been painting my room. I thought it would be done today. But I went out gallivanting with my mom and was way too tired when I got home. Mostly all that's left is the work that requires a steady hand. I'll try to take some pics when I'm done.
The change in my life continues. I notice newness in myself everyday, things I used to do and don't, others I hated but now love. One example of the latter is my recent need to write about myself, how I feel, how I'm different, what I think about the changes. I really disliked introspective work before. I didn't like what I saw when I looked at myself. I've filled almost half of a 300-page journal in the last four months. This is from someone who took 4 years to fill a composition notebook. Ha!
There is so little middle ground with me when it comes to likes and dislikes. I don't get violent or loud about it. I just pursue it like heck or avoid it like the plague.
Also got my first sale of '08 today. :)
Post Picture: Proof I have been working on things. This is another picture of a half-burned block that would have been a coaster expect I think it's too much. The design was drawn by me onto the block and then each stroke was burned. I finished it a few days ago, but my camera would work properly. Hopefully I'll get a pic of the whole thing finished in the coming days.
I mostly slothed today. (So that's not really a word. Go with me.) I have a new block to burn. The one in this picture is half done. They're about 3.5" square. I thought they'd be coasters, but it's too much to do that. Unless I can find people willing to pay about $20-40 each. I don't know what I'll do with it. But I'm gonna make it.
From my Twitter:
I've always been careful, guarded. Where I am now is very new and scary. I'm unsure again, of myself, my choices. I'm tired again, having to constant fend off that crazy voice that says, "You shouldn't have done that."
I'll get through it, past it, over it. I have a phrase for that, but I'm not going to disclose it. I like to keep some of my cleverness secret. :P I'll be okay, in time.
Post Picture: The family and I went to NJ to pick up our new van. There's a long story there that isn't very interesting. I bought the camera and snapped that picture through the tinted van window. There was a huge flock of seagulls at the gas station. Several were perched on the lights, but that one was alone. I really like it so I thought I'd share. It's all moody and kinda dark.
I finished painting today. I'm so happy! I want to add some accent colors, just random rectangles around the room. Although I do have a crazy idea what would require a lot of taping, measuring and time. Still...
The picture in this post shows how far I've come, though I don't have an 'after' pic yet. I'm so proud of myself. I did all the work myself, I felt I needed to. It was my project, something I said I was going to do. Looking back there's no freaking way I could have done this all in one month. I don't think it needed to take this long either but I'm done...mostly. It's very sweet. Eep!
I made a pair of earrings yesterday, Acutes in Black. I haven't photographed them yet, but they're made.
Yesterday also marked four months since this. There's so much more I could say about that. It's been an emotionally tumultuous few months. I had no idea, seriously.
I'm kinda draggin' now, not sure why. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's orc overload. (I've watched Return of the King twice in two days.) December was a really good month for the shop and for me. But I took a break and am having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Pray for me...if you're into that. :)
I'm inching ever closer to finishing my room. I'm so happy. As of this picture, taken just yesterday, I had primed all the walls. I've since painted the first coat and did about 1/3 of the second. Very exciting. If you click it, it'll take you to the Flickr page where there are notes that describe it more.
Now I must go cut threads and draw magnets. Self-discipline is hard. I'd much rather veg online.
I wish I had a picture to share. But I don't. I've just been lazing around. (Is lazing a word...in that context?) Hardly playing the part of entrepreneur but it feel wickedly good to relax.
The focus issue from a few posts ago has largely gone away. I talked things through and wrote a lot. It's still on my mind, but not in the obsessively crazed way it used to be.
I'm happy to say that I'm finally painting the walls in my room. Primer really shows how non-white the walls were. I'm taking my time painting. It only took 2 years to get here. (I can slack off at times.)
So much changed last year, particularly during the last 3 months of 2007. I have a page of new ideas, a list of things I'd like to accomplish for elpy. I want to work on everything right now, but that's impossible. Still...what a difference a day makes.