autumn treasure

I've been told that the leaves don't change everywhere the way they do in New England. So a friend who is a New England native but is currently on scholarship overseas I went to our neighborhood park and took some photos. It felt good to have the camera in my hands again. I'd missed it.

breathe 10.20

I've been a crafter that
doesn't craft.
I've been a writer that
doesn't write.
I've been a photographer that
doesn't photograph.

I've been disconnected from myself, not listening to my heart's desire. I've been claiming labels that I didn't live up to. It hadn't been worth the bother...or so it seemed. I'd fallen off in a subtle way, a tragic way. I was disappearing into myself. I wasn't happy.

I'm coming back. I'm starting over. I'm making the effort. I'm learning to live unafraid. I'm learning to embrace the things that I have to do even if no one else ever appreciates them.

To keep this from being all sort of psycho-babble here real examples.
I took photos the other day. (evidence to be uploaded shortly, I hope)
I started a short story that I don't know the ending of. I'm letting that be okay.
I kept walking, running, exercising.
I began voicing my thoughts a little more in my classes. It was strange to hear my voice at first. But it is good.
When I get home I plan to knit and quill a little.
I starting to see myself not as 'less-than' (for reasons I won't bother getting into now) and rather remarkably free. With help I can do anything. I can do anything.

I'm starting to believe.

October

October smells like fall.
Crayons smell like school.
I am there
and here.
Breathing.

of men and zombies

Bro1 and I spent an evening with friends. During the course of the night the talk turned to how the group assembled would survive in the event of a zombie apocalypse. On the way back home, Bro1 brought up how we thought a certain friend, who'd been absent from this meeting but was part of the group, would fare with "The Council's" decision about her tasks in our "compound".

To which I said:

There's no way that she would agree to "The Council's" idea of making all the women breeders and cooks (so were the words of two-thirds of the self-appointed council. democracy, say what?). She would very likely take the zombie antidote that D made up, go out and bite people, turn them into the zombies and lure them back to the compound and into the zombie traps set out to get specimens for their basement experiments.

Then I stopped. I looked at Bro1, barely visible in the unlit van. But I could see his eyes...and his smile. I was right about the character analysis. He knew it, too, and was entertained. But what the heck were the words that just came out of my mouth? I shook my head. "I can't believe what I just said. I can't believe what I just said."

_{Photo: Tinaseamonster}

finding me.apace

I've started running. This is something I never thought I'd do. Ever. Unless it was for my life, in which case it would be a really short chase, I would leave what I called 'pointless running' to the athletes.

I'm not really sure what changed my mind but I found the Couch to 5k program. The idea of running even for one minute rather freaked me out. I would pass out surely. Yet, I tried. In November. It's a 9-week program and winter was coming. I knew I didn't have the stamina to run through a a New England winter so I decided to retry in the spring. It took a while...until after the semester and I'd purchased proper running shoes. That done, in July I set off again.

A Twitter pal tweeted the pic above. She said she needed a reminder of this because putting yourself through the paces of physical transformation can be so subtle (and slow) sometimes. I was feeling beat down the other day when my legs just didn't have it. But then I sat down and thought about the fact that in a little more than a month I've gone from being not sure I could run for 1 minute to running for multiple 5-minute stints in the same workout. And I was amazed.

The post-run high has become my drug. I see a definite improvement in my mood. I'm liking this, anticipating the runs and I never thought I'd say that. I was not a runner. In adjusting to fact that my body adapts to my endeavors to be better much quicker than my mind I'm seeing the truth of the mind-over-matter idea, understanding that most obstacles to self-improvement are mental...understanding the Biggest Loser contestants. In facing my fears about my physical capabilities I'm growing and learning...I'm not where I was. I like that.