breathe 10.20

I've been a crafter that
doesn't craft.
I've been a writer that
doesn't write.
I've been a photographer that
doesn't photograph.

I've been disconnected from myself, not listening to my heart's desire. I've been claiming labels that I didn't live up to. It hadn't been worth the bother...or so it seemed. I'd fallen off in a subtle way, a tragic way. I was disappearing into myself. I wasn't happy.

I'm coming back. I'm starting over. I'm making the effort. I'm learning to live unafraid. I'm learning to embrace the things that I have to do even if no one else ever appreciates them.

To keep this from being all sort of psycho-babble here real examples.
I took photos the other day. (evidence to be uploaded shortly, I hope)
I started a short story that I don't know the ending of. I'm letting that be okay.
I kept walking, running, exercising.
I began voicing my thoughts a little more in my classes. It was strange to hear my voice at first. But it is good.
When I get home I plan to knit and quill a little.
I starting to see myself not as 'less-than' (for reasons I won't bother getting into now) and rather remarkably free. With help I can do anything. I can do anything.

I'm starting to believe.

breathe- emotional intervention

I'd been immensely stressed and feeling rather low. The semester's almost over so there's that stress. One of the papers in particular is pure anxiety. Then I found out I need more classes than I'd previously thought. So I may need another semester at community college. That was crushing in the moment. I was ready to be done. Then there's trying to figure out post-community college stuff and career stuff. For some reason, call me childish, the idea of a career makes me cringe inside.

I went to a different place for breakfast and walking back to the bus stop, I saw the little smiley. And despite the cloudy weather, and despite not actually having any of my problems solved, I paused and smiled. Then I let the businessman walk by, took out my camera and took the picture.

I don't know who put the little smiley there. But thank you.
:)

breathe 1.22

Minifolk opened.
Vowed to take a pic every day.
Semester started.

The title is a note to self. The list is proof to self that I am doing things even though it may not be everything that I think I should/could/want to do.

One of my new goals is to be content in what I'm doing but not complacent in doing nothing. A second part of that is to stop worrying. I worry a lot. My family's in a prolonged tough spot financially...like 10% of Americans. So I worry about that mostly. But really anything that can add stress to my brain does. My mind goes 8,000 miles an hour from the time I wake up until I final tire myself out and fall asleep. It's no way to live...not healthy at least. (combed out a gray hair the other day. freaked. out!)

I tried it for a second...putting the break on the worry whirlpool. I took a step back and focused on...nothing. A weight lifted, for as cliche as that sounds. Worry is so heavy. I had no idea what to do with the now vacant brainspace. Still haven't figured it out beyond using that energy to do actual work. But I will be striving to keep more of my thinking open to appreciate where I am, what I'm doing, reflect on the positive along with the negative. To take a moment to mentally exhale and dump all the stuff I carry around with me. To breathe.

Post Picture: My rings, nestled in the corner of the kitchen windowsill. I'm hoping the sentiment to worry less is one that will ring true...for all of us.

Breathe 9.27

They want to put me in an article!

Last night I got an email from a free-lance writer who's putting together an article for the largest newspaper in my state. I proceeded to giggle like mad. Had to take a pic to capture the moment. So the above is my PC (as in computer) attempt at Photobooth.

Also, a lady at the farmer's market on Thursday was commenting on my photography and asked if I'd ever done portraits. I said, 'no'. Thinking about it, I did take the pic for the invites my mom had to make, but that wasn't really a portrait. Anyway, she said I should try. She wants me to take some pictures of her daughters and two dogs. I'm super-pensive because my camera is on the down...slope/grade...it's dying slowly and because I've never done portraits.

So, I'm floored all around. It's amazing how things have turned around for me, in terms of my work, this year. I've been waiting for this, hoping, refusing to give up. Eek!

Post Picture: Me, freaking out. :D

Breathe 6.28

Just had the scariest two seconds of my life when I read as an AOL headline that a teenager got killed at a Six Flags today. Bro1 went to Six Flags today. He's not home yet. He's technically still a teenager. *gulp* I clicked pensively. It wasn't him. While that haven't released the name, it was the wrong state. My condolences to the family. I cannot even imagine...though for those two seconds I almost did.

Went shopping with the rest of the family. Got what I hope is the last supplies purchase for my jewelry commission. It's coming along nicely. I'll try to get so prelim pics up soon.

Trying to let go of...the thing that I refrain from detailing on the interwebs. (Doing so could either make me intriguing or just annoy people.) It's hard. Really. I can't believe how much I'm clinging...mentally most of all. I'm such a cerebral person. *sigh*

Post Picture: Severely cropped image of one of the dead aliums. There was a heat wave a week or so ago. It killed them in a day. Sad. But I can spot them now...and know the name. That makes me happy.

Breathe 12.20

Again with the dated title. Heh. I'm not sure if that's the result of a lack of creativity or a semi-clever way to describe the mood succinctly and find certain significant moments later.

I miss someone. A lot. I have for several months...years. The person who hurt me worst in my life is now the person I would give almost anything to spend an hour with. I had to forgive. Then we found each other. But I wasn't expecting this, to think about this someone every hour. Wonder. Hope. Long.

I probably shouldn't get this emotionally involved. But I don't know how not to be. I'm probably over-complicating this. I don't think I should tell the person. I don't think I can. I'll think of something to say...maybe.

This makes it extremely hard to focus, these intense feelings. Creating is near impossible. The new year's comin' and my stock will probably be cut back. I'd like to have other things to fill in. But it's hard. I have ideas. But I can't focus. I wonder and think, think, think.

Maybe it's a mistake to get personal here, on the interwebs. I'm confused, though. Perplexed. I thought I understood, that I'd figured it out. But I haven't.

Writing used to help when I would keep it all inside. But now the relief is short-lived. All too soon I'm caught up again, smothered with thoughts and feelings that seem too adult, too grown-up for little me. It's not physical. It never was. But it's deep for me, connected to so much of who I am, who I was.

I've never been this way, felt like this. Not for this long. I always appeared sure, though perhaps guarded. I didn't want to get hurt again. I never thought I'd get this undone.

It's scary; I can't believe so much of me wants to trust this person again. We were children, then. Neither of us were really to blame for what happened. There was fear. Propriety. Rules. Boundaries we knew nothing about, being so young.

It's a little lonely; I don't know who to trust with this, but I feel I must share or I'll be swallowed alive. I don't know what The One I Miss remembers about me. There's so much else I want, long, to know. But I'm too afraid to ask.

It's exhilarating, too, and a little freeing. I'm discovering pieces of my personality that I'd shut off for years. I'm remembering things I thought I'd forgotten. I'm dealing with nouns (persons, places and things) that hurt me badly. And it leaves me breathless.

Yet breathe I must. I'm no longer in the darkness I was in for so long. I want to live. I want to understand. I want to talk, laugh, play. I'm trying to go with it. I don't think I'll ever get over it. Maybe I'll get along with it, figure out how to co-exist.

This is long but it needed to be said, told, written. It is the truth, a departure from the posts I normally write. I can only hope...

Breathe

SPT 10.04
Originally uploaded by lpdesigns

The craziness started with this post. The term 'emotional rollercoaster' is cliche but it fits perfectly here. I've been really taken for a ride, similar to the Mind Eraser at Six Flags- which I did ride two weeks ago, over the past 30 days. I have felt each turn, twist and loop acutely. I seem to have lost my ability to squash things inside. I'm exhausted.

I've been to Waterford, CT; Hartford, CT; Agawam, MA; Plattsburgh, NY; and Montreal, Quebec, Canada. That's a lot for little homebody me. Two sort of vacations in one month. Admittedly Hartford isn't that far from my house. But on each trip I learned something about myself. Too much to go into here.

It was good, bad, lovely, dark. I was a little daring, for me. I was decisive at times. I grew, I think. (not physically, blast it!) If I don't have a month like this for a while, I think I'll live. But I feel like this was a beginning of sorts. I'm ready to change.